Setbacks are temporary

There comes a time in progression that you fall; either you make a bad descision  you react poorly. No matter what you do, you will have a setback. My setback came not from one thing happening, but multiple things happening. All around the same time. I won't go into details but emotions were had, words were said, and mentality plumited. There have been many times in my life where I have felt hopeless. Nothing is quite the same as your first time hitting bottom as you try to better your life. It hurts. It hits you harder because you fall farther. And it knocks you down. Hell, I got knocked down and stayed down for two days. The great thing about humanity is our resilience.
Being down is rough. We all know. There are different levels of it, but it happends to us all. So how do you get up again without some miracle? Can you rely on the people around you to do it? Nah, that won't work. People can help but in the end, YOU have to do it. You have to mentally grab your own hand and pull yourself up. Not by changing your attitude  or suddenly becoming fine, but through the act of pushing forward. In a way, it's like trudging through snow drifts. You have to push, and shove, and drive your legs through the drift, but once you are on the other side, it's easier. You will always have more drifts to go through, but you know you have the strength to push through it.
 Sometimes, you may need a hand and that's okay. Asking for help is never bad. I rely on my friends to help in the ways I know they can. And sometimes it's sitting in front of the TV saying "I hate my life in this moment", and they go "I feel ya fam". Never forget that there is nothing shameful about asking for help. Never think your friends will turn you away. If they do, they are not your friends. Life is too short to fight through everything on your own. My support was there for me. And if you are reading this, I'm here for you as well. Never be ashamed to ask.

Anger leads to Hate

Eh, I'll pry delete this in the morning but today was rough. Not in a "oh poor me no father stuff" but more, remembering the step dad I had, and how his actions aND words haunt me to this day. My mother's strength baffles me because she forgave him. And I can do nothing but hate him. Anger boils in my veins when I think of what he said and did. There are no words to describe the scarring left on my heart. The effect of thinking I'm no better than cowshit. Yet I cherish my loved ones, remind them I love them, and reveal what they mean to me. Not because I'm some pansy ass who talks about feelings but because I never want them to go a moment confused how I feel about them.

Steps

GAMES YO

When leaving friends in a discord group or a skype chat, I usually have a sense of "Well...back to real life". Specially when I have to work the next day. Seems pretty bland. Lately though, as I sit here watching my derpy dog kick in her sleep and my cat looking for more things to ruin, I realize I don't have it so bad. I have never had it too bad to be honest. My Mom always did her best and for a single mother, it was hard raising a monster like me. Depression and anxiety have a way of weighing you down and crushing that little bit of hope you have. My enjoyment of games frees me just a little bit from their hold. Just enough that I love going back. I love going and jumping into a game of Overwatch and messing around. I love the competitive nature of the game. Most of all though, my friends are what make it. I don't need to dive it and suddenly we are besties. All I want when I jump into a chat is that we can enjoy a game. Games are my favorite form of interaction. It helps I am better at games than real life now, but that's beside the point. Having laughs with each other and the other team even make social interactions better. It makes it easier. "Hey remember that game where you totally killed it on Reinhart? It was a really fun game" (Yes, I talk like that. Yes, I know I am uncool lol. MOVING ON). I think that the hardest part of anxiety isn't the attacks, or the constant fear of whats next; rather it is the fighting with it every moment of every day. Same thing with depression, but for me, anxiety just dominated my life. I would make plans and get so excited for them, but when the time came, my mind shut down and went into anxiety mode. If I couldn't pull it together, I would say I didn't feel well. Not because I wanted to lie, but because so many people see mental health as a minor thing. Oh it is in your head? Push past it. I mean, that is like looking at a broken leg and saying, " Just walk it off". Meds help, A BUNCH, but really, those issues are still there. They are just, a brace, or a support giving you some more HP. Every day I struggle, which isn't to say pity me, at all. It is a declaration of: I have a problem, I am getting help with it, and it is working. Hope is there. Hope is around the corner. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, of the functioning human being I strive to be. Till then, I will continue to live the best way that I can. I don't know why i started with "Games Yo". Eh I will leave it.
Till the next rant.
Jesse